10. December 2013
Man. I have been struggling lately. Nothing has been going the way I expected.
The start of winter is seeming to bring out the worst in me. Motivation - gone. It’s not just winter though, its a number of things. I’m struggling financially. I’m especially struggling with the choices I’ve made in my short life. I’m terrified of the changes that are inevitably creeping up on me. I constantly battle with living up to my own standards let alone another persons.
My anxieties are so so real to me. And I feel completely alone in that aspect. You can only explain how you feel to a certain degree. That’s the worst part of anxiety. Even if you are explaining it to another person with anxiety - their personal anxieties are always going to differ.
I drove to the grocery store tonight, with the intention of getting something for a somewhat late dinner. I ended up picking up and putting back several things and leaving with one apple and a bottle of water. I sat in the parking lot eating my apple and just kind of observing my surroundings. I felt such an overwhelming sadness and I didn’t know what to do with it. I decided to drive around town. Neighborhoods, looking at Christmas lights and decorations. I ended up right outside a house I lived in for a year or so. The Heading House. I imagined the family that lived there now. And how their life there completely erased all of ours. I don’t want to say that it reminded me of a simpler time because I don’t really remember a time that was simple. I struggled a shit ton while I lived at that house. I drove myself crazy. But it was a different life. A life I will never see again.
I know that this is all incredibly temporary. But I am so ashamed of the state I’m in.